Many months ago, it was suggested that I get rid of my bathroom scale. The anxiety that attacked me gave me the shakes, brought me to tears, and a loud, resounding “NO WAY” was heard throughout my head (and probably the entire office in which I was sitting!).
Then it occurred to me that I had TWO scales. I could get rid of one; and I could say I did and not be lying. In my heart, and with ED in my head, I was in turmoil. Eventually, like several weeks later, I admitted to having the second scale. It was my BFF, second only to ED.
Daily, my scale told me how my day would go – sometimes even up to six times a day. If I didn’t like what it said at 6 a.m., then maybe my day would get better if it told me again at 8 a.m., and at noon, and again before dinner, or going to bed. The problem, I began to realize, was that I was having really BAD days – ALOT!
I’d step on the scale. It had either gone up or not moved at all from the last time I got on it. Either way, I knew from that moment I was going to have a bad day. And trust me when I tell you, ED made absolutely certain of it! He knew who I’d run to for comfort.
A few weeks ago, I had an unbearably bad day. Sitting in therapy, it only got worse. I was depressed (more than usual), and I couldn’t seem to get out of that slump. ED was there for me, and so was my scale, reminding me how horrible I was.
NO MORE! I just couldn’t take it another day. Without stepping on the scale that morning, I picked it up, went outside, wedged the scale underneath my rear tire, and went back inside unsure what to do next. A while later, I had to go out. I had forgotten all about the object under my van tire. As I backed out of my carport, I heard a crunch, whine, and loud moan.
“Oh no, what had I done!” was the first thought that came to mind. As I drove out of the driveway, tears rolled down my face. I was working really hard on losing my #1 BFF, and I just killed my #2 BFF.
When I got home, I began picking up little pieces of the scale and throwing them in the trash can. Laughter began to fill the air and relief became mine. Once the initial grief left me, I began having better days. Now that’s not to say I don’t still worry a bit about my what I weigh, but recovery is a process and I am progressing well, without being reminded of how terrible a person I thought I had been. It was all lies.
ED and Scaly were some of my worst deceivers and BFFs. I’m really happy to be putting them both out of my life.
Wish me luck! I think I’m beginning to see the tiniest of light at the end of the tunnel, and it ain’t no train!
By Guest Blogger, SM